Sunday Stuff (a.k.a. BlahblahblahAllAboutMeCakes)

[disbelief11]

Kneading bread dough feels damn good sometimes. Unleashing the beast within, in a way. All that pounding and smacking and pushing and pulling.

Wow, I just made bread dough porny. Tresca was right to give me the nickname SLORP - Slutty Ol' Reliably Porny. Yep, that's me.

***


The kneading was part of my baking dinner rolls. I have this fantastic recipe and was craving the comfort food aspect of the rolls. However, I didn't quite have all the right ingredients, so I substituted.

Not so good.

Unfortunately, my substitutions must not have followed all the laws of chemistry involved in baking. Poor dears never really rose all the way, despite my proofing the yeast. The resulting balls of dough taste okay enough, but aren't full of fluffy goodness.


***

I've been incredibly depressed lately; I feel isolated and lonely. It's because of all the weirdness that's going on between Mr. Dis and myself...but knowing that doesn't make me feel any better.

When I'm with my friends (as in my recent trips) I feel pretty good. Y'all are great people, and you make me feel loved and appreciated. Plus, the porny distractions keep my mind off of how goofy everything is at home.

When I'm home alone, however, I can hardly bring myself to take the dog outside. I've endured my mood swings before, but this is something much different, and much worse. I'm beginning to wonder if I need medication. Though the thought of having to take happy pills kind of fills me with despair.

I wonder how I got to this place, and who I'll be when I'm finally out of this morass. Will I be happy? Will I be myself? How much will all of this have changed me, and will it be for the better?


***

When I'm depressed, I need people. I'm not someone who finds it easier to deal with the depression by being away from everyone else. I need the warmth given by others, the feelings of inclusion and camaraderie.

The problem is that while I need people, I am not always able to reach out to those around me. It's a struggle of titanic proportions sometimes. Just to pick up the phone, or to log into AIM takes quite a bit of effort.

Plus, I worry about subjecting my friends to my neediness when y'all have your own life to deal with too. That and it's difficult to carry on a normal-ish conversation when I really want to burst into tears.


***

Right now I really want a luscious boy or girl to take me to bed, whispering in my ear about how wonderful I am, how beautiful. Someone to hold me close, as if I were too precious to be apart from. Someone to anoint me with fragrant lotions and oils, and to give me a deliberate, unhurried, multi-orgasmic fuck. Someone who will then snuggle with me, pulling up the blanket to keep us warm, and who will go for coffee when we finally wake. After the coffee, we do it all over again.


***

This Purity Test meme - I took it too. My result was 54.25% pure. But then again, I've never taken any kind of illegal drug. If you were to factor out the whole drug section, I'd be exceedingly impure.

Wonder if the nuns at Catholic school saw this coming?

Comments

[shellies.livejournal.com]

*sends cuddles your way*

[disbelief11.livejournal.com]

Thank you, Shel. Hugs to you too.

[thamiris.livejournal.com]

{{{{{{{Dis}}}}}} It's so hard to say the right thing, but you mentioned being worried how you'd come out of your situation, and I think I've told you that splitting up with my husband, which caused a lot of soul-searching and paradigm shifts and all that stuff, was ultimately an incredibly freeing, wonderful experience, one that really let me begin to define myself in a way I hadn't before. *more hugs*

[disbelief11.livejournal.com]

Tham, thank you so much for your advice and the time you've spent talking to me about this. I can't tell you how much I appreciate it. (Perhaps I can find a way to show you my appreciation...)

I feel like I'm on the cusp of something happening - whether or not it turns out to be a step towards resolution remains to be seen. I seem to be doing some sort of weird, frenetic, spinning dance, so it doesn't feel like I'm getting anywhere sometimes. You know?

*Hugs and smooches*

[fleegull.livejournal.com]

Sitting here, feeling a whole lot of helplesness. If I could send those pretty people your way to make you feel like the prize you are, I would.

If you think that you need the medication, please don't hesitate to look into it. There's no weakness in getting the proper help for an ailment.

[disbelief11.livejournal.com]

Sitting here, feeling a whole lot of helplesness. If I could send those pretty people your way to make you feel like the prize you are, I would.

Fleeg, it sounds corny but it's true - just hearing this makes me feel better. Thank you!

If you think that you need the medication, please don't hesitate to look into it. There's no weakness in getting the proper help for an ailment.

You're right. I'll talk about it with the therapist I'm seeing.

[anathema666.livejournal.com]

*hugs Disbelief*

[disbelief11.livejournal.com]

fierce hug back

a smooch, too

[claire.livejournal.com]

{{{Hugs}}} to you, dis. I had a dream about you and shellah last night - you were both telling me wasn't allowed to go home from work until I read more porn ;)

I'm pretty much permanently on the happy pills - at first I didn't want to "admit defeat" but now I'm very glad I went to the Dr's and talked to her about happier living through chemistry.

[disbelief11.livejournal.com]

What a funny dream! Heck, you should always read more porn.

As for the happy pills, I'm keeping them in mind. My therapist suggested being around my friends more as well, since everyone is so supportive and wonderful. Smart lady.

Thank you so much for the hugs, Were!

[wubba.livejournal.com]

Darling, darling Dis.

*hugs* *snuggles more*

I am so sorry I wan't home to talk to you - Stupid Iain ;-)

Will you be in tonight? xoxoxoxoxo

Love you so much sweetie, and you are everything those pretty people should be saying to you.

*smooches*

[disbelief11.livejournal.com]

Sweet Wubba, you truly are a treasure! Don't worry about not being home the other night - I knew it was a long shot that you'd be there. But I was thinking about you and didn't want to wait to call the next day.

Is there a good time to call you tonight?

xoxoxoxo

Re:

[wubba.livejournal.com]

I should be home in an hour from work.

[adellyna.livejournal.com]

*hugs a lot*

Sorry babe... don't worry. You are a person of incredible value and strength, and I know you can make it through this.

[disbelief11.livejournal.com]

Ade, thank you for the hugs and the encouragement. You're so kind, and your kindness means a lot to me.

I miss you! Damn living far away.

[xica-s.livejournal.com]

Plus, I worry about subjecting my friends to my neediness when y'all have your own life to deal with too. That and it's difficult to carry on a normal-ish conversation when I really want to burst into tears

Dis, I'm sure I speak for all of those that love and appreciate you the way I do that you should never hesitate to call on us. I'm always only a phone call (and a short bus ride :) ) away. Whenever you need me babe, I'm here.

[disbelief11.livejournal.com]

Xica, you just made me cry. (Not that that's hard to do these days, but still.) Thank you.

I get to see you this weekend, so I'm looking forward to that.