The Lost Tablet of Commandments Must Have Been About The Movies

[disbelief11]

Every once in a while Sartre's whole theory of hell being other people is really proven true to me.

I went to see a movie. Little did I know that I'd also be getting a chance to keep my homicidal tendencies in check.

How to really aggravate and annoy other movie patrons in 6 easy steps:

1. Arrive 5 to 10 minutes after the movie has started. Make lots of noise finding your seats, thus drawing the attention of everyone there. After 5 minutes or so, decide that the seats you've chosen at the very front of the theater aren't going to work. Get up and trudge/tromp to the very last row in the back.



2. Make sure to vigorously kick the back of my seat when you settle into your seat. Do have the good grace to say "sorry," which gives me hope that you won't continue being sucky movie neighbors.



3. Bring a very young, inquisitive child to a movie with a fairly complex (at least to the child) plot. Each time he asks questions about what's happening, loudly "shush" him. However, give up on the shushing after the first 20 minutes you're there. Also, be sure to allow him to get up off his seat and lean over the seat in front of him...thus making the questions he's asking even louder, as they are right in my ear.



4. Right as the flick starts to move into more climactic scenes, you and the above-mentioned child should loudly start chewing bubble gum. Then, not being content to sound like ruminating cows, start blowing and popping bubbles with the gum. Make sure to sound like you've got a whole pack of Big League Chew or a whole box of Bazooka Joe in your mouth.



5. In the meantime, have the one man who is at least bi-lingual translate the movie into Spanish for the other man who apparently doesn't speak English. Start this in quiet whispers at first, moving up to "in your own living room at home" volume soon thereafter. Couple this with continually throwing your feet over the back of the chair in front of you, then removing them and kicking the seats, then back again.



6. The most important key to this plan is to sometimes stop these things, thus giving the people around you the false hope that you've finally decided to sit still and be relatively quiet. Once you can see they've relaxed and are enjoying the film, start up the talking/gum smacking/feet kicking activity again.

I was really wanting to yell at these people, but really, that would only make the other people in the theater angry with me. So I finally upped and moved to a different - and much less comfortable - seat.

Comments

[jody7069.livejournal.com]

*hugs*
i'm sorry
and i completely agree with you...the only thing you failed to mention (and hopefuly you didn't have to deal with it)--people who's cell phones ring in the movies, and they let it ring, checking the caller id. and then decided to answer it and talk loudly, explaining what's going on in the movie to the person that's not there. argh!
again *more hugs*

[disbelief11.livejournal.com]

Argh, the cell phone thing happened when we went to see The Two Towers! The person took at least 3 phone calls and the 4 kids that were with him must have had bladders the size of raisins, because they were constantly getting up and moving past us to the bathroom.

[aelita.livejournal.com]

*cringe* You just reminded me why I rarely go to the movies. And when I do, I always choose the latest possible seance.

[disbelief11.livejournal.com]

To be fair, I go to a lot of movies, so this increases the odds of encountering movie sins from other patrons. and you know, going to later movies doesn't seem to remove the child component - it's amazing how many people can't seem to find baby-sitters. they don't seem to care that the 3/4/5 year old with them is seeing an r-rated movie.

[tydred.livejournal.com]

How about someone falling asleep and snoring really loud
you go a tell 2 times and they still do it? You Pay 10:00 to go to
sleep?

[kstanley.livejournal.com]

Or how about people who fall asleep on the subway and sort of lean on you--and you keep nudging them and they wake up--only to fall asleep again and lean on you!

Funny Dis! I think Tywe and I were the annoying people at Bend It Like Beckham last week. We were just so excited to see J R-M, we couldn't help but add our on running commentary to what was happening in the film.

[disbelief11.livejournal.com]

I've fallen asleep in one movie, and boy was I upset that I spent $9 to do so!

Kim, I'm sure that you and Tywe weren't anywhere near as annoying as these people. The people behind me did so much more than just talk loudly.

[nightbird18.livejournal.com]

aww. I'm sorry. I hope you have a better movie experience next time. This reminds me why I don't go to movies. I wait till it comes out on DVD. :)

[disbelief11.livejournal.com]

There are some movies that just are better on the larger screen, though. Like I said to someone else, I go to a lot of movies, so it does increase my odds of encountering these types of things.

[cpt-babypants.livejournal.com]

We had a similar experience right before my Chicago trip. Someone in the theatre was quite vocal about his dislike of House of 1000 Corpses and responded to the other patrons shushing him with very loud "Fuck you"'s. They also got up and left and came back a couple times. It degenerated from there until..um...someone in the theatre punched the guy and he finally left as the rest of the audience cheered.

There is a special circle of hell for people with no theatre etiquette.

[disbelief11.livejournal.com]

Hmm, I may need to learn to kick some ass like Lana did because if I tried to punch someone in the theater, they'd laugh at me and then pummel me to bits.

[cpt-babypants.livejournal.com]

Actually, I meant the boy, not me. I couldn't kick my own ass.