disbelief11

I've got all kinds of things trampling through the synapse jungle of my brain but lately I just haven't been in the right space/mood/biorhythmic tide to sit down and share them all with you. I'm much more in the mood for a relaxed meal with friends, talking over a glass of wine; the kind of evening with good people where everyone leaves with a warm, happy, mellow feeling.

Unfortunately, since most of my friends live so damn far away, this is not really practical.

What's bothering me right now is that my life seemed like it was getting onto some sort of a track (be it right or wrong) and now the lack of a steady income has thrown a ghastly, numbing fog of doubt over everything. The things I've been excited about lately and have been looking forward to...now I have no idea if they'll happen. I want them to happen, and I'm going to work at making them happen, but the doubt is creeping into my bones and leeching out my resolve.

Holy moly, Batman, this all sounds so damn melodramatic, doesn't it? Unfortunately, it doesn't feel melodramatic; there's none of the pleasureful stimulation that is part of a good bout of melodrama. I'd rather feel melodramatic than hollow.

Reading back over this post, I'm tempted to delete the whole damn thing.

Sweet Jebus, as I was just sitting here contemplating my keyboard, I got an AIM message from someone inviting me to "cum aboard the bang bus" to see "whores being picked up, abused in the back of a van, and then thrown back into the street."

Fuck, that's scary. I'm all for porn, but that sounds all kinds of wrong. WRONG, wrong, WRONG. Hah, I smite you with my "warn" button and skewer you with my "block" button. Take that, ye vile fiends!

Which reminds me of something I was thinking of the other day. Namely, the fact that I favor written porn more than video porn. There's just something about the looks on the participants' faces and the shot-so-close-up-that-it's-become-disembodied genitalia that strikes me as desperate and skeevy. Seeing that only makes me sad. Now give me some good erotica and I'm flushed with excitement. (I could go on with a description of that state, but I know that your imaginations are more than capable of filling in the details. You go on, then.)

From dinner to melodrama to porn...my journal is a thrilling roller coaster ride. Definitely E-ticket! (I'm not even going to think about how that last little tidbit is going to be meaningless to most everyone who is younger than I am. I'm just not.)